somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
