So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
