I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
