Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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