part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
