I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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