Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
