Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
