The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
