god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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