im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
