I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
