I got chris browned last night
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
