You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
