Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
