we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
