My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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