I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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