How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
