Apparently you make a good broom.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
