i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
