I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
