I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
