my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
