I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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