On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
