singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
