i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How naked do you want me to be?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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