She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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