Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
