I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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