I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
