He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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