It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
