So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
