Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
