with your own penis?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Still dying that you shit outside
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Randomize
