I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
