u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
