Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
