I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.