Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again