you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
