U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
