My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
