Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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