My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
