my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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