I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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