I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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