piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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