I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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