Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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