I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
