The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
