I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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