I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
